Anyone that knows me knows that I am not the cuddly lovey dovey type. Im more the ok we did it, it’s hot get the hell away from me type. But every now and then I feel all “pink” as Wendy Williams would say… And I let the inner fragile flower bloom. Well, not only was this the wrong time to jump ship it turned out to be one of the most embarrassing times of my life (in regards to men)
So a guy I was dating had spent the night and we were lying in bed, cuddling; already a recipe for disaster. The TV was on… I have no idea what was on for I was in la la land getting some much needed sleep. We were spooning (crucial to the plot of the story) and everything was fine in the land of lust. Im not sure what I was dreaming about but knowing me im sure it was some other man. Note to my future boyfriends and ex-husbands…. If you see me smiling in my sleep I am not dreaming of you. As we lay in bliss out of nowhere I heard the loudest BOOM of my then young life. Initially I thought someone got shot…. I was still breathing so I knew it wasn’t me. But it woke me up, that’s when I felt a tingly sensation in my rear-end. OMG I just farted in this mans lap. As I lay there in disbelief, shock and anticipation… any minute this gaseous bomb is going to creep from under the blankets and he is going to run out the house screaming bloody murder. I was still there playing possum, I had to devise a plan to distract him from the fact I have bodily functions that are trying to sabotage my love life…. So what do I think of…. I decide to fake appendicitis. Yes, now this sounds like the dumbest thing EVER, but in a state of panic it was a brilliant idea.
I don’t have a moment to waste so I jump into action….. Literally! I jump out of bed screaming “OUCH, omg OUCH” at the time I had no clue where my appendix was so I gave myself basically hug, I didn’t want to be one of those people holding the wrong side of whatever organ you are claiming hurts…. So I held all of them. At the time I had chronic runny eye, so it helped me with the faux crying. By now Im rolling on the bed in hysterics and he is there (probably thinking this funky b*tch is nuts) holding me asking me whats wrong. As I am professing the worst pain of my life he decides to go get my mom in the next room……… DAMNIT!!!!!! She is about to throw a wrench in my plan, so she comes barreling in the room. She is nervous thinking im dying and instructs him to call the ambulance. So he gets his cell phone, this is spiraling out of control so I had to stop it. “Wait!” instantly Im feeling semi better… my mom gave me the eye and eased her way out the room. He was still nervous for my life but I told him to hold me and maybe Ill feel better. Later on I told my mom I farted and had to cause a diversion. We laughed and turns out he was married…. I wasted that good act for nothing.
Color Me Glamorous 